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How My Spiritual Awakening Lead Me To The Mental Hospital

Updated: Feb 7

I was Twenty -One and it was the month of April.  Spring had always been one of my favourite seasons and this year it was even more special.  I was about 100 hours into my first yoga teacher training and during the practice a part of my memory was cracked open… It was stored deep within my body. I remember being in tears during the whole Savasana.)There was a wave of grief and sadness that swept over my entire being….and this was just the start.

I got the idea to try and fast and pray, in order to go deeper into this part of myself I had never experienced.  On the third day of chanting and praying I began to feel as though I was in a dream-like state. Guided by my spirit I took a drive to see the old house where I grew up. There was a tree in the front yard, I loved that tree it was my first best friend. Like most children tree climbing was a normal part of my outdoor activities. I started to remember what it was like to have that tiny fearless body, and I would climb to the very top and sit and commune with what I now understand to be as Creator or Great Spirit.  When I arrived to the house the tree was cut down, it looked like it had been for years. (This also triggered more grief and stored experiences within me.)

I was highly connected to Source and I began to remember trauma’s that were in my subconscious mind….  It was an unearthing process, a purge…You see I had a very challenging childhood much like a lot of people have had. But I started to remember all of it. Play by play.  Along with the memory of my trauma sacred communion and divine downloads of information came flooding through my body, mind and spirit.  

To my roommate at that time it looked like I was on a bunch of drugs tripping out, (and I also said jokingly that I had taken a bunch of mushrooms) or in some sort of psychosis, but on the inside I was being woken up. My souls history, deep seeded memories, visions of past lives came through, what my life’s purpose was and some pretty profound realisations…. I was walking with two feet firmly planted in the spirit realm. It was an experience of super connection and remembrance and also an influx of unending energy. My vision my extra sensory mind, was blown open.  

So after another day of me being like this, my roommate waiting for my high to come down…( because she thought I was actually tripping on mushrooms) finally called dun dun Dunn…. My older brother, then the whole dialogue changed. When my brother came to pick me up I remember him and I walking towards the beach, we sat down and we had a conversation, I  cannot exactly remember the details of this conversation but I know that it was half prophetic mixed with a bunch of statement that only I and spirit understood.

He took me to my moms house and she was at work at the time, and I decided to sneak out and go for a walk down the road.The neighbours had tipped off my mom and my brother as to where I was because  I was acting very strangely, as only you could imagine… completely tapped in having conversations with multiple spirits and Creator, and myself at the same time.

In those few moments of my life I knew what it felt like to actually awaken my kundalini channel, well rip it open, what it felt like to die, how it felt for people who are now labeled as crazy or insane, how it felt to be ONE with all there was, nature and the universe, all within in my tiny little shell of a body.

When my mom and my brother found me down the block they got me to walk back to the house with them, and this was the first time that I said the words aloud to someone…. That my father had molested me when I was a child. But now looking back at that moment, the combination with all of the other words that I was saying it might have seemed like another “crazy” thing that I was saying. (Only ten years later did I have the courage to call my mom and re say those words to her. That it was true. This was the major trauma that was revealed to me.)

After they picked me up on the side of the road a few houses down from my mothers house, they drove me to the hospital. And when they were about to check me in my mother and my brother had decided it was time to go home…. When they left…. I  “woke up” again… And this time I had little recollection of the events that had left me in the hospital. I knew that I wanted to get out because it was simply unbearable to be in such sterile environment. So of course I tried to escape…. you know very dramatic making a run for it in my hospital gown with my ass hanging out… yeah that was me.

And so of course my escape efforts did not go unnoticed. A team of nurses and security guards circled around me trying to get me to calm down. They shot me with not one or two tranquillisers but four, and it still didn’t take me down… That is the sheer power of the kundalini energy that was unleashed within me. Only when I consciously looked at my hand as I was about to punch a male nurse… to try and get away did I see myself. I stopped my hand and saw that I did not want to hurt anyone. Within me a peace and non harming morality that was apart of who I was at the core was more present than ever. Not even in that “state’ would I harm another being.  After seeing myself I made a conscious decision to surrender. Surrender to the fact that I was captured, and taken in. (I spent five days there and was released.)

This sounds like a nightmare to some of you who are afraid of waking up. And this could be along side of the worst case scenarios…. In the Western world we do not know how to treat or handle such experiences. In ancient shamanic traditions the experience that I went through was one that would open the path for me to become a healer for me to come out of the other side stronger and in a lot of cases with new gifts to share with the community. In today’s society this is seen as someone just going “crazy” and the stigma and shame around mental health in general is something swept under the rug completely. When a stigmatisation is added to a profound experience such as mine its truth of personal transformation and strength can be distorted.

I was lucky because during my stay at the hospital I found my first Spiritual teacher, who just so happened to live in the exact spot next to my mothers house where I was picked up. I fully believe that I was on my way to there. I was always going there to meet him I just took a different route. Was I lucky>? Or was that just an extreme coincidence ??

-Not everyone who is in the mental hospital is crazy and not everyone who is outside of the mental hospital is “sane”. -

This experience lead me down a path of learning how to walk properly in both worlds, because I was there once and I came back from it with my “sanity” intact. It took me a really long time to see these events for what they truly were, it was an awakening, a shamanic death, an initiation into the path that I now am currently on. Not everyone needs to go to that place or crack open their Kundalini channel in order to reach another level of consciousness.  Some people do it though making love, some through dance, some through psychedelic plant medicines, others through yoga, or drawing…. whatever your avenue may be it is SACRED. All paths are SACRED. Being put into the mental hospital was a sacred path for me, in order to understand fully what it is like to go out in the deep end, to be infused with God consciousness and let it drive me “outwardly crazy”.  I am extremely grateful for this experience.

And now I accept my visions, my clairvoyance, as they have always been there and are my gift to share with the world. I can see into other peoples lives and into their unconscious minds, their past lives, their history…. because I myself dared to go to the darkest parts of myself in order to get back to self. The pathways to the super highways of GOD or Creator consciousness are now apart of my brain map. After ten years of learning about myself and doing the “work” to finally let go and forgive these deep traumas and after tapping into the past lives that I have stored cosmic lessons and divine wisdom….now it is my gift to help others become awake to their gifts and understand that they are not “crazy”. I encourage and uplift the people in my community to cultivate their gifts and release self judgement and insecurity. The current way that society is operating is kinda crazy, and that there are alternative ways to dealing with problems that Western medicine believes in a “one pill cures all”  kind of anecdote.

I encourage you all to seek your tribe, of elders who have been in these same shoes, to seek out alternative ways of understanding and incorporate it into some of these Western approaches. I  cannot say that they are all bad, I just am saying that there’s a lot to learn from each other. That we should come together and love each other through this amazing experience and gift we have called Life.

Thank you for reading

Always in Service

Crow Miller

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